Monday, September 27, 2004

What's In & What's Out II

In: Your ass
Out: your ear

In: People who intentionally swipe my jokes right in front of me, to my face, with a very slight variation of my quip.
Out: People who then laugh harder at their stolen joke.

In: Lambskin jackets
Out: Bearskin rugs (the kind that lie in front of roaring fires with some naked dude stomach down/ass up/arched back mugging for the camera.)

In: Cousins who use me for a big burrito from Chipotle
Out: Girls who use me for a big linguica

Interruption: Someone from upstairs just yelled, "You's is a ho! You's IS a ho!"

In: Pre-emptive strikes against terror
Out: Sneak attacks on my apartment

>>>Now I know why football players get all the chicks. Now I know! Everytime my cousin Milton comes over to my apartment he goes straight to the balcony and looks up for good 'ol Doug. He always wants to walk upstairs and leave him little treats. Tonight, he said he wanted put a Butterfinger candy bar at the foot of his door. What's that all about? Because Doug fumbled a ball last night or was he saying to the second-year vet, "Look, I just want you to know that I, Milton, love chocolate!"

In: Pretty girls with great views of the bay
Out: Ugly girls with average views of the Cash & Carry on Oak and 4th St.

So, Saturday night I'm at a cocktail party, the host, dressed wonderfully in pink, asks the group what would they like to listen to. I blurt out a somewhat cocky and moderately funny line such as, "How about some environmental music, you know, like whales and ocean sounds". Ha ha (whatever). This dude, without skipping a beat says, "Yeah, do you have any creek music!" and subsequently laughs his ass off. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I was shocked. Mortified. Never has anyone gaffled one of my lines and quickly offered a slight variation of the same joke right in front of my face. It reminded me the 80s when Huey Lewis and the News recorded "I Want A New Drug". That motherfucker Ray Parker Jr. stole the tune from Huey and took "Ghostbusters" to the top of the charts. Where the hell is Ray Parker Jr. now? That asshole is not even exciting enough for VH1's Behind the Music. Who ya gonna call now, bitch.

Interruption from above: "N-word, N-word, please! AAAHHHHH N-word"(with a slight urban suffix, such as "gah")

You might notice that I'm talking a little trash tonight. Please don't worry, I'm happy. You see, this happens when I spend the evening with my cousin Milton. You see, Milton likes to, as he commonly says, "shit on people" so I thought I would dedicate this posting to him. This is retribution for running up the score on Madden 2005 tonight. I haven't played for two years. Was it necessary to all-out blitz me for half the game? Was it worth it?

In: Pretty girls who fall over fences
Out: People who sit on the fence and still don't know who the fuck they're going to vote for.

Watch the first Presidential debate this Thursday. Our most reviled Republican friend, Johnny Noh, will undoubtedly find W. to be the most eloquent debater since Frank the Tank in the movie Old School.

In: American citizens with John Kerry bumper stickers on their car
Out: Portuguese illegal immigrants, like Milton, with John Kerry stickers on their car.


Milton said...

I think that is the funniest shit I've ever read!!! I say "Read" because the Funniest shit I ever heard was your Fucking Speech On T-Day Week2!! Ya! To all of the "Fringe Readers", I will do all I can to be sure TRANSCRPTS will be available for you to read, From the Now Famous "ZILCH SPEECH!" By, Steven M. Tavares

pryncess711 said...

your leg injury must really afffecting your brain cells!! your swearing and talking about your big linguica .. maybe you should have that checked out!!! love ya!!

Anonymous said...

All that swearing,pretty boy, makes me hot and horny.

Anonymous said...

In: Going to a T-Night to trashtalk your cousins face to face.

Out: Trash talking about your cousins on the internet.


MrYosemite said...

It's interesting....when I picture a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire, I picture a cute little chiquita on all fours. But when YOU picture a bear skin rug, you see "some naked dude stomach down/ass up/arched back...."

You might be joto and you just don't know it yet.

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