LFR Exclusive Interview: Kerry's Heroes

Kerry's Heroes
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.

Vietnamese Soldiers Tell Their Side Of Swift Boat Scandal
The controversy swirling around John Kerry's service in Vietnam has reached its saturation point without any resolution. While there has been very little proof to refute Sen. Kerry's record, Republicans are pushing forward. For a different perspective on this debate LFR found two former Viet Cong soldiers to tell their side of the story.

LFR: I'm here at an undisclosed location deep in the jungles of Vietnam. With me are two former soldiers, Hoang Wai Lai and Hi Suk Dong. Thank you for talking with us.

HWL: Oh, thank you so much. I really no like all this talk about Johnny Kerry. He a great man!

HSD: Yeah, it took me long time to say his name correctly. Wai Lai knew of him before I did and I thought because of his bad engrish that his real name was John Kelly.

LFR: Is it true that you were the two soldiers that John Kerry's boat charged at?

HWL: Actually, no. If you look at the picture we're the two guys dressed up like women running with our arms flapping in the air.

LFR: So you two were trying to distract the American soldiers?

HWL: Oh no, sirry birry. You see, Johnny use to be very jerrous, we use to love him long time. When he saw us sitting by the lakeside with the Viet Cong soldiers, well, he just fripped!

LFR: John Kerry had a homosexual relationship while in Vietnam?

HWL: Oh, no, no, no, no, but we did. Ah, good ol' John, where should I start. I first met John Kerry in Hollywood. He was eating a hot dog at Pink's hot dog stand. I overheard him talking about making a movie in Vietnam. I was like, "whah? I'm from Vietnam and he's so handsome!" One thing led to another and before you know it we making a film about swift boats in the jungles of 'Nam.

HWL: He needed some women for the cast but you know not many women in the warzone so Dong and me dress up. We fight over who look like Farrah Fawcett.

LFR: So, the real story here is that John Kerry was making a film and not serving in the Navy.

HSD: Oh, he was fighting all right...fighting us off, that is! He so sexy. Why he with that old bitch?

HWL: To her I say, "bring it on". BAH HA HA HA.

LFR: What about these other swift boat crews? Are they telling the truth? Was John Kerry really wounded?

HSD: Lies! All lies! Wai Lai and myself personally nursed Johnny back to health. He almost breed to death

LFR: It was pretty bad wound, huh?

HSD: No, no, that guy make more boom boom than Lyndon Johnson at a naked shooting range. (REWRITE!)

HWL: We gave him medicine, gave sponge bath, cleaned his wounds and gave him sponge bath.

HSD: Yeah, and don't forget the sponge bath.

HSD: Those other boats? Those guys were dirty. They no respect us like Johnny. Johnny be good--gentle--you know. Those other guys push guy out of boat because he no like what he say about us. Johnny, he pull the guy back into boat.

HWL: He my hero.