A Manocracy For The 21st Century

Excerpts from my speech to the Republican National Convention

America, we live in an exciting yet dangerous world. A place where evildoers wish to limit our personal freedoms and seek to destroy our way of life. I say to you, women of America, back off!

This country has reach the pinnacle of greatest on the backs of men. So, ladies, sit there and smile and agree with everything us boys say. That's the American way. You know what I'm talking about, Laura. You overly self-medicated, deer-in-the-headlights-look in the eyes, crazy broad....

Boys will be boys. For example, the prisoner abuse scandal in Iraq, or shall we say, "The Prank", was just initiation to the ways of our society. An effective way to teach them I-raqis the idea of Manocracy. Who ruined it? A female officer. Everything got out of hand after Lynndie England showed up. I'm here to condemn her actions. They were barbaric and inhumane...for men to watch! Piling up a bunch of naked I-raqis is not what Manocracy is about!....

Our Manocracy must return to the good old days of the 1950s. Boys should have friends with names like Lumpy, Whitey and Dobie, not Miguel, Alejandro or Obsanjo Oogie Boogie. If you have a buddy named Chester, you should feel free to jokingly call him Chester the Molester. Wives and mothers should wear crisp, white evening dress even if it's 10:30 in the morning. Children should be able to drink milk out of wine glasses just like the Beav' did at the Cleaver home....

I ask you what has the suffrage movement really done for America? I'll tell you. It's made Manocracy unstable. Women have single-handedly elected Bill Clinton twice and gave Al Gore the most votes in 2000. I propose maintaining women's right to vote but let's have them vote on other things. Maybe, their favorite flavor of Hamburger Helper (Go Stroganoff!) or maybe best disposable mop (Go Swiffer!). Because I'm opened minded, maybe allow them the right to vote for People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive (Barbara Bush!).

American, again, let's maintain the sanctity of our Manocracy. Let's fortify the borders of all our hangouts; the garage, the backyard, the grill, the Moose lodge, the restroom (Viva urinals and mass pee troughs!) and protect our historic rickety-old treehouses.

God bless our precious American Manocracy and thank you. Somebody make me a sandwich.