Rodney's In a Coma

Sadly, this may be the end of the line. Let's finally give him some respect. Here's some of his great one-liners:

The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!

My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me cigars!

When my wife was pregnant, I told her, I said, "Honey, if it looks like you, it'll be beautiful." She said, "If it looks like you, it'll be a miracle."

My wife told me she's going to run away from home. Luckily I live in a cliff!

I did a show, the whole audience was gay. I did great! I mean AFTER the show!

I'm gettin' old. A girl asked me if I wanted to have some super sex. I took the soup!

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He said, "How long has this been going on?" I told him, "Since I was a puppy."

I tell you, my psychiatrist's a beauty, he told me I got a split personality and from now on I have to pay him twice. Oh, my wife, she's happy I got a split personality, yeah, she likes two guys at once.

People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don't like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law - it's her daughter I can't stand!

I worked a nightclub. The boss told me he'd pay me under the table - I waited after two hours, he never showed up!

They took a survey - why men get up in the middle of the night. Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and ninety percent get up to go home!

My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch!

I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!

I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."