Thursday, July 22, 2004

The Sun is Racist

Report shines light on discriminatory star

The Congressional Black Caucus issued a report today asserting that global warming causes African-Americans disportionately more harm than white. I guess, Michael Jackson was way ahead of his time.

The report also suggests that our Sun is racist:

The most direct health effect of climate change will be intensifying heat
waves that selectively impact poor and urban populations," according to the
study, noting cities like New York, Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia have
large concentrations of blacks.

Here to confront these charges is the Sun, himself.

LFR: Good morning.
Sun: Yello.
LFR: Would you like to respond to these charges from the Congressional Black Caucus?
Sun: Sure would. They're right. I am racist. I plead guilty. Bro, I'm the Sun. I'm unchecked in this galaxy. Who's gonna stop me and I love George Bush
LFR: This is quite a disclosure on your part.
Sun: Well, I noticed those Enron guys going to jail and I want no part--not in an election year.
LFR: Election year? What do you mean? Were you somehow involved in the Enron scandal?
Sun: Well, you know it's no secret that George W. are buddies. We use to play basketball together. Me, Kenny Boy Lay, Jeffrey Skillings, Frankie Valli and the Asian guy from "Gung Ho".
LFR: Really? Was the President good?
Sun: Nah, I burned his ass all the time.
LFR: So, global warming is, indeed, a scientific fact. Correct?
Sun: That's a negative, at least, until after the election. Hey bro, I'm big in the sky but I revolve around Karl Rove. I believe they're going to shut down all sunlight to the Earth the day before the election and have Georgie flick me back on. That f**king guy loves being the hero and I love being a scapegoat.
LFR: Now you're a scapegoat?
Sun: Oh, yeah bro, I'm a sun of a bitch. Anything to make money, you know. I'm connected. I'm a minority owner of the Miami Heat basketball team. Shaq guaranteed a title next season. We'll see. I also dabble in suntan lotion, solar power, George Hamilton's agent, sun-dried tomatoes and Tupperware. I'm currently collaborating with the Moon on some "Sun and Moon" crap. You know, bed spreads, towels, shower curtains, cheap Chinese made crap. Wal-Mart wants in on the action. F**k 'em. They're low-balling me.
LFR: Tupperware? Anything else?
Sun: I love J.Lo, bro. Why? Because the shade under his ass is just about the only place I've never been! But, guess who has?
LFR: Who?
Sun: P Diddy.

5 comments:

MrYosemite said...

I think you made this up, I don't believe you really talked to the sun. I'm friends with the sun and I happen to know that he's been on vacation for the past month.

Anonymous said...

Genious!

Pops said...

Dear Mr. L. Fringe,
I am writing you on behalf of my client, the Sun.
If you continue to post comments about and or falsely attributed statements that my client may or may not have made either on or off the record, it is our intention to seek damages and compensation in an effort to force you to cease these actions.
If you do not immediately retract your alleged conversation with my client, you may face actions that may include, but not be limited to the following:
1- Punitive and compensatory damages in an amount to be determined in relation to damages incurred.
2- Severe redness
3- Dry skin
4- Exposure to and of areas that my client normally does not shine.

Very sincerely,
I.M Uranus
Attorney at Law

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