Friday, September 30, 2005

NFL's Surprise Teams Will Come Back To Earth

Parity Will Effect Packers, Bucs, Bengals & Texans

NFL - Week 4
$20 Pick Three

Lions (+6 1/2) over BUCANNEERS
The Bucs quick start is due to fall soon. The Lions, coming off a bye week, will keep this score tight.

Cowboys (+3 1/2) over RAIDERS
The Raiders in a tough one, but won't cover in another tight matchup for Oakland. Sea Bass is vindicated.

Packers (+7 1/2) over PANTHERS
Giving the Favre-led Packers a touchdown on Monday night is too much to pass on.

Last Week: 1-3; Season, 3-7. Lost, $-60.00
(Home team in CAPS)

Fantasy Football - Week 4

Team Wonderbread (2-1-0) vs. Funky Cold Medinas (0-3-0)

The first loss of the season was a dose of our own medicine. The Super White Honkey's receiving corps completely overshadowed the duo of Randy Moss and Terrell Owens with six TDs.

On the waiver wire, the ineptitude of kicker Sebastian Janikowski was too much. When the 49er Whiners dropped the NFL's most accurate kicker, Mike Vanderjagt, the writing was on the wall. Also, QB Michael Vick was waived by the 49er Whiners and amazingly passed waivers to Team Wonderbread. With Carson Palmer, Tom Brady and Vick the QB position is now robust enough to pursue trade talks for an extra running back.

Lineup: QB Carson Palmer, WR Randy Moss, WR Terrell Owens, WR SANTANA MOSS, RB Julius Jones, RB Rudi Johnson, TE L.J. Smith, K MIKE VANDERJAGT, DEF Carolina.

Guru Analyzes FFL As al-Qaeda Spokesman

Team Wonderbread Does Wild Thing To Funky Cold Medinas

Mr. Yosemite from and owner of the 49er Whiners joins the LFR as our first ever correspondent. He continues to fuel conspiracy theorist who believe he's helping Team Wonderbread win the title by waiving so many good players who happen to show up on my roster.

By JayTray
LFR Fantasy Football Correspondent

North Beach Meatballs – Kept their winless streak alive by losing their third straight game. This was a close one… 96-92. Your downfall was keeping Daunte Culpepper on the bench, he scored 46 points compared to your starting QB Trent Dilfer who posted only 26. The guru is saddened, he predicted a breakout week for Culpepper but you benched him. Guru is willing to forgive you since you took his advice and picked up a better defense in week 2, the Colts paid dividends with another 10 points this weekend.

Bruisin’ Contusions – You broke into the WIN column! Not only did you notch your first victory, you almost had triple digits. However, the guru is mildly disappointed, he’s told you repeatedly to start Joey Galloway, BUT, like your Meatball sister, you ignored the guru’s advice and benched him. Galloway put up 14 points which is more than all three of your starting receivers combined. You could’ve had triple digits! Again, like your Meatball sister, guru is willing to forgive and forget. You made the call to start Bledsoe (per the guru’s advice) and he gave you 47 points.

Columbia Clowns – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Previously one of the few unbeaten teams in the league, you lost to the previously winless Contusions. The guru feels very sorry for you, Peyton Manning posted only 21 points and your running backs only combined for six. Guru is confused, he hopes that you find comfort in prayer. On a different note… is that a bird? A plane? No – it’s your undefeated season out the window…wave bye bye.

Funky Cold Medinas – You completed the circle…West Coast (Whiners & Contusions) beat East Coast (Clowns & Medinas). Hats off for picking up the Dallas Defense – they gave you a solid eight points which is more than the guru got. Your receivers only combined for 6 points and your QB underachieved. The guru isn’t one to question anyone’s manhood…but the Whiners outscored you with just two players – Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson combined for 80 points while your entire team only scored 78. Go to your wife, hold her, and pray with her.

CrimDog – You switch sides more often than Anne Heche. First you win, then you lose, now you win! Make up your mind! Show some consistency! Actually, I take that back, your team had the most consistent scoring at all levels with one exception--Shaun Alexander. He scored more times than Kobe on a road trip. With Culpepper on the bench, this gave you the edge you needed.

Team Wonderbread – As the Honkeys said, “Wonderbread? More like cornbread.” The Honkeys put it to you this week and the guru is quite certain you liked it. As the guru predicted, your receivers couldn’t maintain their production, they combined for only 16 points but the bad news is that even when your receivers have a bad day, you still outscore most of us at WR. Your bid for an undefeated season is officially over.

49 Whiners – You are the self proclaimed guru. You are a genius in your own mind. You need to stop referring to yourself as the guru and…..oh who are we kidding – you’re a damn genius! Another triple-digit game? 118 points. The only reason you didn’t win Team of the Week is because you got all the glory last week – we need to spread the wealth. Your three best players combined for 102 points! You have the highest scoring team in the league and it appears the only thing that can stop you is kryptonite. Have I told you how much I love you….you big lug!

Team of the Week
Racism is alive and well…Viva La Honkeys! Holy moly, the Honky receivers combined for 54 points! That’s the type of score that we expect from Wonderbread’s duo of Owens and Moss. Each of your receivers had double-digits. This made up for having the lowest scoring QB of the week (Aaron Brooks – 18 points). You tied with the Whiners for the highest score of the week at 118 and you’re the only undefeated team in the league. You’re also the luckiest rooster on the planet – McNabb and Brian Westbrook have a bye when you play the Whiners in week six. The guru has a new enemy and its initials are SWH (pronounced “KKK”).

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Why Sports Media Fail The Steroid Question

ESPN Doesn't Want To Bite The Hand That Feeds

Sports media in this country seems to have a collective amnesia to the findings of the San Francisco Chronicle when it reported that Barry Bonds testified to using performance-enhancing drugs, the Senate however, was far more forthright with stating the obvious.

The senator from Virginia, George Allen, a possible presidential candidate in 2008, made a biting reference to Bonds, who has denied using steroids: "As far as Hank Aaron is concerned, if a certain player breaks his home run record, it's not a question of an asterisk. ... There probably ought to be an 'RX' next to it."

Home Run King, Henry Aaron and another Hall of Famer, Robin Roberts also alluded to the obvious fact that Bonds and his run at the greatest record in baseball is a sham.

Said Aaron, "That's going to be left up to the commissioner and the rules committee. They would probably have to go back and look at some of those things that happened."

Roberts, the former Philadelphia Phillie great, even went so far as to wonder whether Bonds is still using steroids to this day.

"He's still hitting homeruns...He's probably still using them."

Why is there this disconnect when the evidence that Bonds used steroids is already known and the media is reluctant to report it fully?

One possible reason is sports news programs acting as if they employ journalistic standards when in fact the sports league's run the entire operation. Without the National Football League, Major League Baseball and the National Basketball Association sports entities like ESPN and Fox Sports Net revert to the programming of the early 1980s--drag racing and tractor pull competitions.

Today, ESPN's anchor program--SportsCenter--is far longer in length, at the same time, containing far less in-depth reporting. You would think a news organization would strive to be there at every scoop. In fact, ESPN has tanked on every major sports news story this year.

Why is this? ESPN does not look for news, it gobbles it second hand. A sitting of SportsCenter contains a full plate of talking heads who, in effect, pass their opinions as news. Throw in commercialized segements like the "Budweiser Hot Seat" and you have a organzations lacking in journalistic independence.

When news becomes the byproduct of opinion and hawking beer, the line between good journalism and a guy writing a blog on the internet becomes dangerously blurred.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Exclusive New Song: The Las Vegas Blues (Blacks)

Here's my newest original song, titled, "The Las Vegas Blues (blacks)". It's the universal story of a guy and a girl and his battle with flatulence and indigestion. Download it to your iPod. Listen to recorded version below and help Hurricane Katrina, NOT Rita. Enjoy.

I know a girl she lives in California
Likes to wear black everyday
She stole my voice, she stole my heart
I ate some chicken adobo, damn, I got to fart

I see my playstation, I see my TV
Being played by my drummer friend
I feel a song coming, a song for Filippino-America
I'm drinking a forty of Mickey's, Burp, It's about Erica

It's another damn song about Erica..... Oh yeah

Oh yeah....

I see dreams, I see visions
I should have taken my medication
My voice is getting raspy, oh. there it goes
I guess I'll blame it, blame it on my black rose

Well, I'll blame it Erica
Oh yeah, wow yeah
Wow yeah
That's my 451st song about Erica.
this is an audio post - click to play

Bettors Delight; Easy Money In Miami And Philly

Time For Pick 4; $40 In The Hole

NFL - Week 3
$20 Pick Four

JETS (-2 1/2) over Jaguars

Bengals (-3) over BEARS

EAGLES (-8 1/2) over Raiders

Panthers (-3 1/2) over DOLPHINS

Last Week: 0-3; Season, 2-4. Lost, $-40.00
(Home team in CAPS)

Fantasy Football - Week 3

Team Wonderbread (2-0-0) vs. Super White Honkey's (2-0-0)

Two of the Tator Tots League's three undefeated teams scrapple this weekend. The Super White Honkey's started off with a dominant victory in week one only to eek out a low-scoring four point win, 62-58, against the Funky Cold Medinas.

Team Wonderbread's vaunted receiving corp showed its promise in week two with a 107-90 thrashing of the Bruisin' Contusions. The two Moss's, Randy and Santana, along with Terrell Owens, scored five touchdowns and over 400 yards receiving.

The first injury of the season occurred with the Raiders Ronald Curry lost for the season. Coupled with Santana Moss's bye week, newly acquired Antwaan Randle El gets the start over the underachieving Jerry Porter.

Recently acquired L.J. Smith, on waivers from the 49er Whiners, will be the third different tight end to start for The Team. QB Carson Palmer finally gets the nod over Tom Brady. The backup QB's numbers have been the best on The Team with 88 points.

Lineup: QB CARSON PALMER, WR Randy Moss, WR Terrell Owens, WR ANTWAAN RANDLE EL, RB Julius Jones, RB Rudi Johnson, TE L.J. SMITH, K Sebastian Janikowski, DEF Carolina.

The Trash Talkin' Begins; But It's Just Fantasy

Team Wonderbread Tries To Smack Around Caucasian Squad

Mr. Yosemite from and owner of the 49er Whiners joins the LFR as our first ever correspondent. To show his journalistic integrity he has chosen to honor his own club as the team of the week. In addition, he continues to report on his girlfriend's team with kid gloves as Team Wonderbread unmercifully crushed her last week, 107-81.

By JayTray
LFR Fantasy Football Correspondent

North Beach Meatballs – Bold move, went out and picked up the Indianapolis Defense and it paid off, the Colts' defense put up 13 points. If Indy’s D is for real, this might be the best special teams pickup of the year. Culpepper had five interceptions on Sunday, 8 total in the first 2 weeks…might be time to trade up. I know someone that would trade you Michael Vick for a brand name receiver…from Cincinnati.

Crim Dog – Previously the Team of the Week…was put down like Old Yeller. The Whiners didn’t walk the dog – they dragged him! Congrats on being the first team to start a player that ended up with negative points – Jamal Lewis might be the let down of the week. Collins posted 30 points and Alexander 11…I like your strategy of leaving your highest scoring players on the bench – GENIUS! The Whiners almost doubled your score, you might want to consider joining a FLAG Fantasy Football League – it might be more your speed.

Team Wonderbread – This team put up another win against the winless Bruisin’ Contusions and continued the bid for an undefeated season. Great smack talk in which you stated that “The Bruisin’ Contusions are redundant.” Next week will be our first racially charged matchup – The Super White Honkey's against the Portuguese-owned Team Wonderbread. If nothing else, this could be the Smack Talk game of the week.

Columbia Clowns – Tiki Barber pulled your fat from the fire on Monday night. If Manning would’ve put up some normal numbers, this wouldn’t have been close at all. You’re 2-0 and you have the Bruisin’ Contusion in week 3, this will probably end up like the Rams vs 49ers…don’t be surprised if the Contusions smack you around like Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant.

Funky Cold Medinas – Your three receivers only scored six points total, Owens (Team Wonderbread) had 19 pts by himself. You obviously have too many white players. You’re 0-2 and you’re playing the Whiners next week, it’s possible that things will get worse before they get better. Suggest you send your prize money to the commissioner before you get completely discouraged and quit.

Bruisin’ Contusions – Green Bay secured their bid for a winless season and so did you. Despite the loss, Brett Favre put up 52 points--that’s the surprise of the week. Don’t give up despite the loss, your team scored enough points to beat over half of the teams in our league, you’ve simply been unlucky with your matchups.

Super White Honkey's – Another team that started the wrong players. You had a QB, RB, and WR that combined for 59 points, unfortunately they were all on the bench. Lucky for you, your Kicker and Special Teams/Defense carried you as predicted. Congrats on being one of 3 undefeated teams.

Team of the Week

49er Whiners put up triple digits and notched their first win. Highest score of this short season--120 points. Next week, look for the Eagles to ride the Raiders like Kobe on a white chick. McNabb and Westbrook have the potential to put you in the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, your receivers still suck like a $10 whore. Look to trade Michael Vick for a receiver that can put up consistent points.

The 49er Whiners would also like to get the ball rolling on whining…they are wondering why McNabb only earned 5 more points than Favre. McNabb had the same number of yards, 2 more touchdowns, and one less turnover. The Whiners are wondering if Michael Strahan is on the scoring committee and maybe that’s why Favre is getting extra points.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Devil Rays' Lee Is On The Take

Firstbaseman's Defense Puts The A's 4 Back Of Angels

The A's anemic offense did as most anemic offenses do; it stalled. While something peculiar was happening down the road in Anaheim with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays firstbasemen, Travis Lee.

In no way can you discount the A's inability to win a must game tonight versus Texas, as the key factor in the A's now life support status in the American League West, but the Angels comeback tonight ran directly through Tampa's firstbaseman.

In the seventh inning, the Angels scored a run to come within a run of the Devil Rays on Darin Erstad's single to right. During the play, the speedy Chone Figgins rounded third as the Devil Rays rightfielder, Aubrey Huff, threw the ball to Lee at first. Lee misplayed the throw, but in a odd exhibition of fielding, looked to have scooped the errant ball and, in the process, inexplicably launched it another ten feet up the rightfield line allowing Figgins to score the tying run.

Then in the eighth, with two runners on, pinch-hitter Casey Kotchman knocked a single to right to give the Angels the decisive 7-5 lead. On this play, Lee appeared to make little effort in fielding the ball that was hit between him and secondbaseman, Jorge Cantu.

This sort of controversy has existed for decades when contending teams battle for the pennant while opposing ballclubs out of contention. The integrity of the pennant race is usually the term used, but rarely in reference to the actions of one player.

Tampa Bay's manager, Lou Piniella, sent out his regular everyday lineup, tonight. It was his firstbaseman who looked to be on the take.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Tejada Added To Steroid Watch List

Miguel Tejada: Bucked
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
Palmeiro Reportedly Offers Shortstop's Head To Congress

Add Baltimore's Miguel Tejada to the legion of suspects.

Steroid cheat, Rafael Palmeiro, was revealed to have offered the name of teammate Miguel Tejada as the possible source of his infamous positive steroid test.

The governing body that oversees Major League Baseball's drug testing program exonorated Tejada of any wrongdoing. Reportedly testing a substance three times that was found to be the vitamin B-12.

Believing that Tejada is clean puts us back at square one. Isn't handing out the benefit of the doubt to Palmeiro and other suspicious steroid users how this particular problem began?

Circumstantial evidence already could plague Tejada more than it did Palmeiro last spring.

Jose Canseco, the ironic crown prince of truth and justice didn't name Tejada in his book, but under his expert eye didn't discount it when asked by a reporter.

Tejada's playing career also began in 1997 in Oakland when the swirling vortex of synthetic muscle met in Oakland. Also known as Canseco, Mark McGwire and Jason Giambi.

Tejada also rose through the A's minor league system as a scrawny, but athletic shortstop only become a perennial 35-homer, 150-RBI man.

What has become bothersome is whether you can believe Palmeiro. Ever.

The Washington Post reports tomorrow that Tejada told reporters that he gave Palmeiro a syringe loaded with vitamin B-12, "a long time ago."

The mere existence of syringes in a Major League clubhouse, whether containing legal substance or illegal, should raise eyebrows and especially in the charged atmosphere that exists today.

The other unreported aspect of this story is that Major League Baseball has again suppressed a allegation before it reached the public.

Can we reasonably conclude that nobody would have heard this story now if Tejada's role was found to be negative.

The steroid scandal hitting baseball is far from over. Many more will implicated, especially when known cheats like Palmeiro are backed into corner with no choice but to name names.

Columnist Creates The Bonds Hero Myth

Sports columnist Gwen Knapp of the San Francisco Chronicle is another journalists failing to view Barry Bonds in the proper context.

Her column in Wednesday's Chronicle has its viewpoint cloaked in darkenss.
They booed him as lustily as any crowd outside Los Angeles, engulfing this generation's greatest home run hitter in an uncommon brand of hostility.

Barry Bonds had an answer for all of it: a rocket into the upper deck at RFK Stadium.

In his second at-bat Tuesday night, he hit the 706th home run of his career. When he crossed home plate, he pointed to the sky, as he always does, and then pressed an index finger against his mouth.

Such a heroic tale Knapp tells, but one I've never heard before. The morally corrupt, mega-millionaire cheats his way to top, never owns up to the mighty transgression and returns to vanquish the arbiters of what's right.

According to Knapp, the bad guys are vindicated! It's the bizarro version of the classic Greek tragedy.

S.J. Mercury News Becomes Bonds Apologist

Maybe the San Jose Mercury News is still a little bit miffed that the rival San Francisco Chronicle scooped them by taking the lead in the breaking BALCO story last year. So, what does the Murky News do: It becomes a Bonds apologist.

Giants beat writer Chirs Haft wrote in yesterday's Mercury News this lead paragraph regarding Bonds' hallow plea that Congress focus on hurricane Katrina instead of steroids in sports.
Barry Bonds, whose very existence has fueled the controversy over performance-enhancing drugs, joined the chorus of Americans who believe that Congress should focus on other priorities, such as helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Just where this chorus of Amrericans who believe in cheating resides is unclear.

It's also unclear whether Haft is referring to the scant polling last years that showed Americans indifferent to the steroid scandals in sports or whether there is some outrageous outcry for all of the nation's ills to be put aside just for the disaster in the Gulf Coast.

Some of these Sports Editor's in the Bay Area should start to access whether this sort of coverage of Barry Bonds' return is actually akin to rooting for the bad guy.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bonds To Use Steroids To Rebuild Gulf Coast

Baroid: A Giant Among Men
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
Baroid Calls Out Congress; Bad Idea, Bro

Barry Bonds messes with the media. He messes with fans and even teammates. He plays fast and easy with the game's most hallowed records. He even uses props like his teenage children and young cancer victims as human blockade. Today, though, he messed with the wrong guys.

The Feds. The G-Men. Congress.

As the Giants played the Nationals in Washington, D.C., Bonds had this to say when asked his if Congress was wasting time investigating the steroids issue:

"Pretty much, I think so. Yeah."

He continued by striking a very populist tone that seemed to diverge sharply from his own personal background.

"You know what? There are still other issues that are more important," Bonds said. "Right now, people are losing lives, don't have homes, I think that's a little more serious. A lot more serious."

Touching. Who does he think he is? The rich boy from San Mateo who grew up with the same lifestyle as any white kid of privilage wants everyone to remember that poor black people are suffering and don't forget he's black, too!

Bonds also challenged the media by asking how much they had contributed to the Gulf coast disaster.

"Talk about the athletes that are helping Katrina. Ask yourselves how much money y'all personally donated and have helped."

How much has Barry Bonds donated to the hurricane relief? Does it matter?

Here's Baroids typical whiny and snivelling response to everything and when he attempts this sort of banter with the media it only illustrates his disconnect with anyone in the entire world except Bonds himself.

What he's saying is: I'm the big dog. I have everything and you don't. I'm a better person (in my eyes) than you because I can give more, presumably.

I guess after hitting three homers and not having his balky knees blowout yet, the son of a bitch thinks he's back all the while thinking he's escaped the steroids scandal. Think again.

Said a spokesman for Rep. Tom Davis, "Members of Congress, particularly Tom Davis, can walk and chew gum at the same time."

Don't antagonize Congress, Baroid. They don't like it and they will retaliate.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Why Yabu Now?

Harden Should Be Shelved For '05

Our boy from Japan nearly threw away our playoff hopes, tonight.

With 12 to play after tonight the unscrupulous emergence of Keiichi Yabu from a mop-up man to a frontline middle reliever seems foolish, at least, in late September.

Yabu has pitched well this season but has been usually reserved for long relief appearances and games where the game has been decided.

Sure, tonight's near debacle was a relative blowout with the A's leading 7-1 in the top of the ninth, but it was nearly the second time in three games that Yabu has been involved in agonizing situations.

Last Saturday in Boston, Yabu was on the mound to hit Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez with the bases loaded to drive in the game-winning run in the 10th.

So, why Yabu and why now? He's been regulated to the back end of the bullpen and now Macha has thrown him into the pennant race fire.

Macha should think twice before Yabu takes a place in A's dubious playoff lore next to Terrence Long and Jeremy Giambi among others.

On the condition that the A's advance to the playoffs, this was to be the year when the starting rotation was set.

There wouldn't be a situation where you have someone like Gil Heredia pitching Game 1 or the back half of the big three pitching on three days rest as in past years.

The bullpen's role were even carved and well known until now.

The A's are saying that pitcher Rich Harden will most likely not start another game this season, but short bullpen appearances are well within in rehab.

Are we going to have another situation where the A's pitching staff that rests on routine throughout the season and successfully, only to have the entire operation muddled by changes in the all-important off-season?

The question becomes this: Do you risk changing the bullpen's roles during the last two weeks of the season and hopefully the postseason by adding a guy who hasn't pitched in a month or does a little bit of Harden's fastball better than nothing?

It would probably be better to shutdown Harden now before he really gets injured and not have him until 2007. If he can rehabilitate to 40-45 pitches as the A's are saying and--not the customary 100-105--then he's not ready for the pressure of the pennant race.

Kerry: This Is The Katrina Administration

Senator Sets Demos Post-Katrina Tone For 2006

Senator John Kerry's remarks at Brown University today, again leaves many Democrats wondering, "Where was this kind of speech and passion that went with it a year ago?

Former Vice President Al Gore delivered the same, raucous and pointedly angry speech to the delight of many only after he lost the contentious election to George W. Bush in 2000.

Is this what happens when polls and special consultants are jettisoned in favor of the real candidate's heart?

Kerry offered many well thought out observations and links between the administration's folly in Iraq and the letdown of the federal government's aid to the Gulf Coast.

Here's are some of the soundbytes (Read the entire speech here):

This is about the broader pattern of incompetence and negligence that Katrina exposed, and beyond that, a truly systemic effort to distort and disable the people's government, and devote it to the interests of the privileged and the powerful. It is about the betrayal of trust and abuse of power.

Kerry also touched upon the growing feeling amongst Democrats that Republicans intend to use the aftermath of Katrina to allow certain conservatives values to rise in the reconstruction of the Gulf Coast.
And the rush now to camouflage their misjudgments and inaction with money doesn’t mean they are suddenly listening. It's still politics as usual. The plan they’re designing for the Gulf Coast turns the region into a vast laboratory for right wing ideological experiments. They’re already talking about private school vouchers, abandonment of environmental regulations, abolition of wage standards, subsidies for big industries - and believe it or not yet another big round of tax cuts for the wealthiest among us!

In what was the basic aim of this speech today, Kerry sought to cast in stone the huge failure of the White House's response to the suffering of New Orleans and Mississippi. The Democrats intend to run with Hurricane Katrina all the way to the midterm elections a year from now with a syllogism very similar to the one Kerry offered today.
Katrina is a symbol of all this administration does and doesn't do. Michael Brown -- or Brownie as the President so famously thanked him for doing a heck of a job - Brownie is to Katrina what Paul Bremer is to peace in Iraq; what George Tenet is to slam dunk intelligence; what Paul Wolfowitz is to parades paved with flowers in Baghdad; what Dick Cheney is to visionary energy policy; what Donald Rumsfeld is to basic war planning; what Tom Delay is to ethics; and what George Bush is to “Mission Accomplished” and "Wanted Dead or Alive." The bottom line is simple: The "we'll do whatever it takes" administration doesn't have what it takes to get the job done.

In simpler words, he said, "This is the Katrina administration."

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Fatty Bonds To Stop Eating Steroids

What's the best way to combat squirrely journalists who begin noticing you're physique is smaller than when you were hitting 73 homers a year?

Barry Bonds announced today that he's going to lose 28 pounds by spring training of next year to help his ailing knees. That would be a good trick to heads those accusations off at the pass, right.

"I'm going to be skinny," said Bonds.

Dropping so many pounds will reportedly drop Bonds' weight to around 200. This begs the question: What has Bonds been doing all summer? Wasn't the idea to get into playing shape by the end of the season?

What was most interesting about his statements was how one of his answers seemingly leads anyone to extrapolate what he was saying to his off-the-field problems.
"I want to get my legs strong again," Bonds said "Hopefully I'll train hard all winter. I can hit it, but I don't feel like I feel when I'm strong. I can tell out there. I'm older now. It's harder."

"... I don't feel like I feel when I'm strong."

Yeah, because you're not juiced, now. Duh!

Week One Oddities Play Havoc On Gamblers

I Spend $69 To Watch Raiders Lose--Genius!

NFL - Week 2
$20 Pick Three

Lions (-2) over BEARS

TEXANS (+6) over Steelers

RAIDERS (+1) over Chiefs

Last Week: 2-1; Season, 2-1. $ Won, $-20.00
(Home team in CAPS)

Fantasy Football - Week 2

Team Wonderbread (1-0-0) vs. Bruisin' Contusions (0-1-0)

Last week's opening day win was encouraging but revealed some chinks in the Wonderbread armor. TE Daniel Graham was already suspect before it seemed like he might not even be the go-to tight end in New England. The watch list has been filled with just about every available TE when Detroit's Marcus Pollard showed glimpses of his past glory while in Indy. In addition, the 49er Whiners dropped Philly's L.J. Smith inexplicably and was picked up hopefully strengthening the position.

Lineup: QB Tom Brady, WR Randy Moss, WR Terrell Owens, WR SANTANA MOSS, RB Julius Jones, RB Rudi Johnson, TE MARCUS POLLARD, K Sebastian Janikowski, DEF Carolina.

Red Sox Leave Destiny To Fate

What if the newfound confidence the Boston Red Sox fans reaped from last year's World Series title turns to a disadvantage this season?

After 86 years of near misses the Red Sox and the New England region shed their noble anxieties and drew a collective sigh of relief. But, where is that feeling of desperation with two weeks to go and the lead over the dreaded Yankees whittled to 1 1/2 games?
"We have to play well,'' Sox center fielder Johnny Damon said Thursday. "If we don't play well, we won't get to the playoffs or get deep into October. It's ours to lose.''

It's theirs to lose? It use to be the Yankees' to lose.

The triumphant comeback by the Red Sox in last year's ALCS and dominance in the World Series has brought a lackadaisacal confidence to the people of New England when, in fact, they should be acting out their annual pity party.

Last night Curt Schilling, after pitching brilliantly against the Yankees last week, was ripped by an Athletics team that can score 10 runs before the second inning just as well as go hitless for seven against anybody's fifth starter. Is Boston putting its hopes for a postseason run on Schilling's past performance? Specifically, a toss-up of which Schillings will show up?

The Red Sox are using this logic to the rest of this team. The rest of starting pitching is iffy, but the sentiment is their explosive offense will more than make up for it.

Matt Clement has the best stuff, but is unknown in the post-season. Tim Wakefield's knuckleball is dependent on where the wind is blowing that day and David Wells is being shadowed, at least he thinks so, by low-flying black helicopters sent by the commissioner Bud Selig.

There's a sense that the Yankees may overtake the Red Sox and force the ol' towne team to work its magic again when the two teams tangle at Fenway on the last weekend of the season. It will be interesting to see if that same old anxiety returns to the fans of New England.

Friday, September 16, 2005

LFR: The Web's Road To Brazilian Male Thongs

It seems the Lunatic Fringe Report has carved a niche into cyberspace in quite an odd way. Yahoo!'s search engine seems disproportionately in tune with the LFR and its readers mindset.

In fact, one particular posting during last year's Summer Olympics titled, "What's Hot & What's Not" garners nearly ten referrals a day. Go ahead, try it yourself:

Type the words or phrases such as "Brazilian thongs", "Brazilian ass in a thong", "men's Brazilian thongs" or anything Brazilian associated with the buttocks and the prestigious LFR will routinely rank in the top five and sometimes even number one.

I'm so proud.

Try "dick torture", also.

Mom will be so proud.

Thanks to all for increasing the hits on the LFR nearly 150% since July. And a special thanks to all in search of a tan and bodacious Brazilian ass.

Also, will be debuting shortly with some long-form stories.

Weeteh Angry Over A's Shutouts

Anna Is Bananas
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
"Just one run, please!" said LFR baseball expert, Anna Weeteh.

She was angry about another shutout against the Oakland Athletics on August 17th.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bush: Me Want Go Pee-Pee

President Bush wrote a note to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice that said, "I think I may need a bathroom break?" yesterday at the United Nations.

A photographer from Reuters snapped the image over the President's shoulder and was picked up by various news organizations.

Tim Grieve from's blog, War Room, made this observation:

...the question is this: Would a major news agency -- in this case, Reuters -- have moved such a photo if the president weren't already so diminished?

Is President Bush on the precipice of gaining a wimp-like persona such as the one hung on his presidential daddy, George H.W. Bush?

Really what do you remember of the first Bush president? Just the embarrassing gaffes.

Dana Carvey imitating the president so comically on Saturday Night Live, "Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent."

Or, watching tape of him vomitting on the Prime Minister of Japan

Or, watching him trip; down the step of Air Force One, while waving to reporters or while walking off stage. Even contorting his body weirdly while throwing out the first pitch at a ballgame.

Has Bush the younger reached critical mass in his daftness, too?

Sure, every second-rate comedian has Bush the moron jokes and most have a less than intellectual view him, but maybe something is going on in the electorate.

As Bush's poll numbers dwindle to record lows for his presidency, maybe the numbers are more reliable than normal.

In the past few years, Americans have given Bush the benefit of the doubt. The war against terror wasn't in our faces back then and words from our leaders mouth could have possibly been true. So, in the meantime, Americans put up with the cute, baby chimp President and played along.

Fast forward to the last year and the tide has turned. Coupled with bad news in Iraq, various nagging untruths being revealed and disbelief at the gas pump, the veil of faux strength has disappeard.

Will the press now have the backbone to confront the newly beleaguered president on issues like the war in Iraq, the disaster in Gulf Coast, both on the ground and in the White House. Maybe Plame Gate will gain better traction?

Will Americans, themselves, the most powerful force in the U.S. hold Republicans accountable for the direction of our country. A midterm election in the fall of 2006 will answer that one.

Ironically, its been two women whom have been the biggest thorns in Bush's decline:

Hurricane's Cindy Sheehan in Crawford, TX and Katrina in New Orleans.

So, what's next after Bush's bathroom note, another biking accident? A tube of Preparation H found on the President's lecturn? His fly open revealing him to be the true "Commando in Chief"?

By the way, "way to go, Brownie!"

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Week 1 Separates Men From Hermaphrodites

Hometown Team Wonderbread Routs Meatballs, 88-54

Mr. Yosemite from and owner of the 49er Whiners joins the LFR as our first ever correspondent. He's been trying to pick off Terrell Owens and Randy Moss from me for beans since the draft. No, thank you. Here are his team notes from week one of the NFL fantasy season:

By Mr. Yosemite
LFR Fantasy Football Expert

Columbia Clowns - Hats off to the only team to beat the 49er Whiners so far this season.

Team Wonderbread - Backed all of his smack talk with a win in week 1. We all hope that the real 49ers knock Owens into the after life in week 2.

49er Whiners - Obviously a fluke game, clearly on their way to a 13-1 season. Look for the Whiners to kick the old Crim Dog in week two.

Funky Cold Medinas - Went up against the highest scoring team of the week and lost, nonetheless, I speak for all the guys when I say that we salute you for scoring 69.

North Beach Meatballs - Great smack talk but couldn't back up the "Italian meatballs are better than Portuguese...anything". The NBM's were beat into submission by the big linguica...would ya!

Bruisin' Contusions - Hey, thanks for showing up this week! Brett Favre put up ZERO touchdowns against Detroit? Looks like someone I know could use my backup QB Michael Vick....I'm willing to consider cash offers.

Super White Honkey's - A big win but with small balls. Failed to talk smack until AFTER he had a 30 point lead and the game was all but over.

And the team of the week...

Crim Dog - First team to put up triple digits...107 points!??? That's phenomenal! Unfortunately, you don't get extra points for matching your score to your age.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Bonds Must Have Replaced 'Juice' With Beer

Bonds Ducks Criticism
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
Some of the questions revolving around Barry Bonds were answered tonight in his grand return to the Majors.

He, indeed, looked a tad smaller in the upper body but his belt buckle was not to be seen. Bonds looked fat. Is that withdrawals from steroids or huge deposits of double cheeseburgers?

The Giants fans predictably cheered him wildly while the rest of the country seethed and, just in case some knucklehead wanted to bust his balls, Bonds ran onto the field with a young cancer patient. How disgusting.

In leftfield, Bonds looked a little clunky, but honestly, no different than the well-below average defense he was performing before the injuries.

Sure, Bonds battled the Padres' Adam Eaton for 11 pitches and blasted a shot to left-center that fell a foot short of a homerun, but he also followed with two lame shots to centerfield and then easily surrendered to reliever Rudy Seanez's 3-2 slider in the eighth.

Here are three thoughts from his performance:

1) With two bad knees the last thing you need is flat tire around your waist.

2) He didn't make contact with anything other than a changeup. Opposing pitchers will quickly catch wind of that fact.

3) You know what they always say about the benefits of steroids? They're the difference between a shot into the fifth row and flyball to the warning track. Bonds' stats from tonight: 3 flyballs to the warning track.

The Return Of Barry Bonds

Baroid Turns Old Before Our Eyes

So, Barry Bonds is back. Roaming leftfield again for the Giants. The savior who will rescue a team admitedly embarrassed to call itself a contender.

What is Baroid Bonds going to do to help the Giants? He hasn't seen live pitching for nearly one year. He hasn't run the bases in a competitive game for the same amount of time, but more importantly, he hasn't played baseball without being juiced for, maybe, six years.

The very idea that Bonds will emerge from the Giants' dugout, like a felonious Roy Hobbs and single-handedly raise the collective team to the division lead is a fairy tale. For those types of stories, you'll have to rent the fantasies that are contained in the Giants' 2001 and 2002 highlight films. The chapter about the once svelte superstar whose strength and eyesight amazingly improves as he grows older could only be enjoyed by the Brothers Grimm.

Is there a point to having Bonds return with only three weeks left? Is it because the Giants management continues to be completely deluded in the fact that this team is not a contender and hasn't been one since April?

San Francisco is seven games behind the barely .500 San Diego Padres, whom they play starting tonight. The problem is, they've been seven games out for a month and a half with no movement and now Bonds is going to help?

The next three weeks will go far in casting the fate of Bonds' legacy. Most likely he reinjures himself or plays sparingly because of doubts on his health. Interestingly, this might also be a dress rehearsal for an American League team. He had become laughable in the outfield before his injuries, can you imagine now? Or, this could just be the petulant and cocky Bonds sticking his head out of the ground as the BALCO storm has passed saying:

You didn't catch me!

Bonds is now what he should be. His career arc has now being corrected. If he had'nt stepped into the realm of performance-enhancing drugs, this is where his body would be at 41. Aching, artrithic, flabby and ready for a nap.

So, starting tonight, the questions will invariably be asked: Does he look slimmer? Can he score on a single from second? How will the fans react? That one is easy in San Francisco--they'll cheer and fawn over him and continue to be complicit in the rise of baseball's most reviled character.

Bonds wasn't caught by the rule of law, but the court of public opinion has him nabbed.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

2005 NFL Fearless Forecast

Falcons edge Colts 24-20 in Super Bowl XL

AFC East: New England
AFC North: Cincinnati
AFC South: Indianapolis
AFC West: Kansas City
Wildcards: N.Y. Jets, Jacksonville

AFC Championship: Indianapolis over Kansas City

NFC East: Philadelphia
NFC North: Minnesota
NFC South: Atlanta
NFC West: Seattle
Wildcards: Dallas, Lions

NFC Championship: Atlanta over Minnesota

Super Bowl XL: Atlanta over Indianapolis, 24-20
Super Bowl MVP: Warrick Dunn (ATL)

NFL MVP: Daunte Culpepper (MIN)
Rookie of the Year:
Offense-Cadillac Williams (TB)
Defense-Antrel Rolle (ARI)
Coach of the Year: Mike Tice (MIN)

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Moss & T.O Lead Team Wonderbread

Win Free Money On Rams/49ers

NFL - Week 1
$20 Pick Three

Rams (-6) over 49ERS

Bengals (-3 1/2) over BROWNS

Cowboys (+4 1/2) over CHARGERS

Last Week: 0-0; Season, 0-0. $ Won, $0.00
(Home team in CAPS)

Fantasy Football - Week 1

Team Wonderbread (0-0-0) vs. North Beach Meatballs (0-0-0)

Lineup: QB Tom Brady, WR Randy Moss, WR Terrell Owens, WR Ronald Curry, RB Julius Jones, RB Rudi Johnson, TE Daniel Graham, K Sebastian Janikowski, DEF Carolina.

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Bidding Starts: A Tape Of Me Cursing The VP

The man who calmly fired back Vice President Dick Cheney's infamous words right back at him is detailed in this story from alternative news site The Raw Story

Ben Marble, an ER physician, was identified as the man who yelled, "Go f!@# yourself, Mr. Cheney" to the Vice President while speaking to reporters on the scene in Louisiana.

Marble, who lost his house in the wake of hurricane Katrina, tried to sell a tape of his epitaph on eBay. The bidding rose to $700 before being pulled by administrators.

(Marble has reposted his DVD on ebay. Click here. It's up to $1,125.

'Go F!@# Yourself, Mr. Cheney'

It's amazing. I've written over 75,000 words on this blog trying to illustrate the tactics Republicans use to shift the spotlight from their own mistakes and a short eight minute video easily did the trick.

Click on this link to a short video compiled by (Click on to the day pass and watch a 10 second advertisement to watch the entire video) that shows one days new cycle and how Republican spinmeister deflected the accusations of mismanagement from the President and FEMA to the local government and even the poor in one concerted effort.

Highlights include Fox News' Bill O'Reilly blaming the poor for the disaster in New Orleans saying, "Don't live the gangsta life". You'll want to watch it until the end to hear a passerby offer some colorful language to Vice President Dick Cheney.

NFC West: Seahawks

1. Seattle Seahawks - Seattle will have one of the top three offenses in the NFL. QB Matt Hasselback will greatly improve if only because his receivers finally learn how to catch. Their secondary will be special--almost as good as Philadelphia's. The onus will be on the rest of the defense. Rookie LB Lofa Tatupu will be key in anchoring a defense that will good enough coupled with the explosive offense. Here's an easy prediction: RB Shaun Alexander will continue to have a nose for the goal line. The dust-up last year over the losing the rushing title by a yard will be ancient history.

2. St. Louis Rams - Coach Mike Martz is going to finally lose his job because another time management gaffe will do in the Rams playoff aspirations. WR's Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt have just enough left for one more prolific season in the air. RB Steven Jackson is going to have a big season, therefore, making the great Marshall Faulk expendable. Jackson will begin to usher in a new identity for the once "Greatest Show on Turf"--smashmouth football.

3. Arizona Cardinals - Everyone is wondering how much QB Kurt Warner has left? He has nothing left, in fact, he's been empty since 2002. The Cardinals have some studs in the wideout department and would help out Warner if only the former Super Bowl MVP didn't fumble at the slightest tap from the opponent's D-Line. The defense, though, will keep the Cards close. Rookie CB Antrel Rolle is going to be great. He'll seal off the entire left side of the secondary. He'll win the Defensive Rookie of the Year. Arizona will win eight games this year with little help from Warner.

4. San Francisco 49ers - Playing #1 draft pick Alex Smith will be akin to taking your new Mercedes four-wheeling. This kid is going to get killed by that offensive line. Who might they beat this year? Hmmm....maybe Tampa at home or the Bears in Chicago. Washington also looks like a possibility. This team has made no changes to a team that is both dull and talentless. Rookie head coach Mike Nolan will improve this team with a new outlook of life in the NFL. RB Kevan Barlow is a farce. The press is going to run him out of town. Unfortunately, the long nightmare that has become the 49ers has only begun. They'll play better, but still finish 2-14 because the won't sweep the Cardinals this year.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "RB Shaun Alexander is a fantasy player's best friend. Expect him to lead the NFL in touchdowns. He could easily score 5 in one game!."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "Poor Niners...Five wins. Erickson's gone."

NFC South: Falcons

1. Atlanta Falcons - Last year the LFR said the Falcons would make the Super Bowl, this year it's saying they're going to win it! QB Michael Vick will finally realize he doesn't have to do everything with this talented bunch and the team will grow together. Second-year WR Michael Jenkins will emerge as the big-playmaker on offense. The combination of Vick and head coach, Jim Mora's strong leadership will fulfill the prophecy of the chosen quarterback bringing balance to the South. RB Warrick Dunn wins the Super Bowl MVP.

2. Carolina Panthers - Everybody is lovin' on Carolina but they're going to have trouble scoring even with QB Jake Delhomme's guile. Who will he throw to and who's going to carry the ball? DE Julius Peppers is the defensive "once-in-a-lifetime" player that Vick is on offense. He and the best defensive line in football will lead the Panthers just short of the last wildcard. A strong season from K John Kasay will be key because this team is going to play a lot of low-scoring games. A few tweaks and this team is back in the Super Bowl next year.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - You have to wonder whether coach Jon Gruden sold himself to the Devil to win a Super Bowl because this team and his persona seems foreign to the Chucky schtick and style of play in Oakland and his first two years in Tampa. Rookie RB Cadillac Williams will be a revelation. He'll win the Offensive Rookie of the Year. WR Michael Clayton is going to be a Pro Bowler for years to come. He remind me of James Lofton. The key to their season, unfortunately, is QB Brian Griese. I worry about whether he can stay healthy, not only in body, but spirit. A road game in Charlottle in the first week of November looks like a visit to the trainer's table.

4. New Orleans Saints - The new America's Team was saddled with problems before hurricane Katrina made them into the San Antonio Saints. Vagabound teams don't win much. The Titans performed dismally in their first year in Tennessee playing in Memphis as the Oilers and the Montreal Expos suffered greatly playing Puerto Rico the last two years. The unfortunate disaster in New Orleans is going to greatly hamper the Saints. QB Aaron Brooks is good enough to start in the NFL, but this is the best he's ever going to be. This team has discipline problems and those don't usually go away until there's a new sheriff in town. Amazingly, though, because of the hurricane owner Tom Benson may spare coach Jim Haslett until next year.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "There will be just enough good times in Nah Ohleans for [Jim Haslett] to save his job.."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "This is the NFC representative in Super Bowl XXXIX," referring to the Atlanta Falcons.

NFC North: Vikings

1. Minnesota Vikings - Duante Culpepper will emerge as the next Steve McNair in terms of leadership and toughness. He'll win the MVP this year. The road to Super Bowl XL will run through the Metrodome come playoff time. The Vikings have finally gotten it right, in terms, of balancing their offense and defense. WR Nate Burleson is not Randy Moss, but he's an up and comer. Like the 2001 Seattle Mariners without Alex Rodriguez, the Vikings will actually play as a team without Moss. Fourteen wins is possible. Minnesota, along with K.C., made some of the best acquisitions on defense this off-season. Fred Smoot, Darren Sharper, Napolean Harris and Pat Williams will greatly improve the defense. If! If only they had a solid running back or a corp of good RB's.

2. Detroit Lions (Wildcard) - Detroit is putting a lot of money on one side of the ball with three drafted WR's in a row. QB Joey Harrington will greatly improve with the weapons around him. QB Jeff Garcia would have been great to have on the bench until he injured his ankle last week. They just need a couple of their talented young players to blossom. I'm betting on LB Teddy Lehman, RB Kevin Jones and WR Roy Williams. The Lions will snatch the last playoff spot.

3. Green Bay Packers - This will be QB Brett Favre's last season. Not because his skills have eroded, but the team around him is in decline. Favre would never don another team's uniform. The defense will give up a lot of points to even the Chicago's of the NFL and not be able to catch up with a time consuming running game. Coach Mike Sherman, though, will weather the frozen tundra for another year until first-round draft pick QB Aaron Rodgers shows himself to be another Jeff Tedford washout like Kyle Boller and Akili Smith.

4. Chicago Bears - This isn't a bad team. In the end the loss of QB Rex Grossman will be helped with the pleasant surprise of rookie Purdue QB Kyle Orton. The Bears will not be an easy team to beat and will pull of few upsets, maybe versus Cincy or the Vikes.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "I see a combustible situation arising between coach Mike Tice and Randy Moss."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "This is the team that will suddenly defy logic and be a potential NFC powerhouse only to suck next...Ten wins and a home wildcard playoff game.

NFC East: Eagles

1. Philadelphia Eagles - It is possible to win championships while fighting each other. The A's of the early 70's bickered with themselves and the owner and still won three straight titles, but you never saw Reggie Jackson trash talking Sal Bando in public and doing sit ups for the cameras. The Eagles with or without T.O. will win 12 games, but come crunch time, barring an intervention by Dr. Phil, the Eagles won't reach the Super Bowl. Sometimes the pieces are there, but fate intervenes. In the Bay Area, the arrival of Chris Webber signaled a possible title run for the Golden State Warriors, but ended when he couldn't get along with coach Don Nelson. Same thing is happening in Philly.

2. Dallas Cowboys (Wildcard) - Coach Bill Parcells' reputation is on the line in Dallas and it won't be tarnished. Drew Bledsoe will play well in this offense where budding superstar RB Julius Jones will run all day. Bledsoe's health shouldn't be a concern with future Hall of Famer, Larry Allen, guarding his blind side. TE Jason Whitten will have a big year as Bledsoe's top receiver. This is Parcells' team and they will begin to prove themselves by beating Philly at home in week five.

3. Washington Redskins - Joe Gibbs won't improve this team until it settles on a quarterback. QB Patrick Ramsey is not Gibbs' man--he's Spurrier's. RB Clinton Portis ate large doses of humble pie last year and should rebound with a new system that will allow him show his speed to the outside. Their new additions on the O-Line should help that, too. The additions of smallish WR's Santana Moss and David Patten harken back to the days of the Smurfs in Washington. This retro design just might catch some teams focused on height and bulk off guard.

4. New York Giants - The NFL talking heads are afraid to anger older brother, Peyton and father; Archie. QB Eli Manning will not be anywhere as good as any of his family members. He has "happy feet" and that's something that undermines, not only his throwing and accuracy but his leadership in the huddle. WR Plaxico Burress is a bad pickup. Aside from their poor choice of direction at QB, there's no plan for life after DE Michael Strahan.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "Ten years away from the game coach Joe Gibbs isn't going to straighten this dysfunctional organization."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "This defense is so quick that it will lead the NFL in defense and get the Cowboys into the playoffs."

Thursday, September 08, 2005

AFC West: Chiefs

1. Kansas City Chiefs - Coach Dick Vermeil has finally gotten it right in K.C. The offense will continue where it left off even with their once-vaunted O-Line slowing down. What will take the Chiefs to the AFC Championship is a slew of shrewd defensive pickups. Led by LB Kendrell Bell, DE Carlos Hall and S Patrick Surtain. I should have drafted QB Trent Green for my fantasy team!

2. Oakland Raiders - These Raiders are an enigma. WR Randy Moss, the game's great gamebreaker is obviously an integral part of their offense but every part is intricately linked to whether RB Lamont Jordan can free up Moss and whether another wideout such as, Jerry Porter or Ronald Curry can produce when Moss is double-teamed. If QB Kerry Collins can stay healthy, a big if because their backup is sorely ineffective, he could improve on his Oakland record for yards thrown. If the Raiders falter it will be blamed on defensive coordinator, Rob Ryan, because they made zero changes in their D. It's up to him to get them to latch onto the new 3-4 scheme. It won't happen because the personnel isn't there except for LB Danny Clark. Jordan runs for 1,000 yards and excels at catching the ball. Moss will account for two more wins. 8-8 seems attainable.

3. San Diego Chargers - QB Drew Brees will come back to earth, for sure. The 2004 Chargers were no fluke, the talent is there and getting better. The familiarity of Brees to the rest of the AFC West will be the bane of the 'Bolts season. This is a Marty Schottenheimer team, anyway. They never go anywhere. If RB LaDainian Tomlinson can stay healthy, he'll challenge Willis McGahee in Buffalo for the rushing crown and score a boatload of TD's

4. Denver Broncos - In a division steeped in talented running backs, Denver's poor D-Line will be much too porous to win many games. Why did they pickup so many defenders from the Browns? Weren't they bad last year, anyhow? RB Tatum Bell, the next great system back in Denver is the real deal. A down year for the Broncos might raise the volume on chatter calling for coach Mike Shanahan's head. The rat-faced head coach will live another year, though.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "Vermeil will cry."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "4. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS"

AFC South: Colts

1. Indianapolis Colts - The Colts will win home-field advantage in the AFC under the radar--if you can believe that. Whether or not Peyton Manning will become this generations Dan Marino and never win a Super Bowl will begin to hold this season. Because of an undesized D-line, a team with a grinding running game might be able to stall Indy's Super Bowl aspirations. Cincinnati, maybe? They could possibly be 7-0 going into a Monday Night game at New England.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars (Wildcard) - QB Byron Leftwich is due to blossom this season and has a certain flair in the clutch, but he still doesn't have any weapons. RB Fred Taylor, though, will be enough coupled with their stellar defense. Coach Jack Del Rio has molded this team into his image and look for the defense to be dominant, at times.

3. Houston Texans - The Texans are finally here. They'll just miss the playoffs in the tough AFC, but not without a fight. This team is following the same maturation process as coach Dom Capers' other expansion team--Carolina--at team that rose to the NFC championship game. In the process of improving, Houston might find that QB David Carr isn't the franchise player they thought...And Philip Buchanon: he might wow Houstonians with a dazzling return or two but he'll eventually boggle everyone's minds with his ineptness just like in Oakland

4. Tennessee Titans - New offensive coordinator, Norm Chow, might be coaching in college by next year. He finally got his NFL chance and he's saddled with a mess in Nashville. QB Steve McNair will do the best he can, but the Titans lost so many names in the off-season, which was probably just as well because a few seemed used up like Samari Rolle and Andre Dyson. Titans are rebuilding this year. A top four draft pick seems imminent.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "QB David Carr is set to have a breakout, Pro Bowl season. Carr to WR Andre Johnson will become a mantra in Houston this season. Along with RB Domanick Davis, this is the divsion's up and coming offensive threesome."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "The Titans will win the home field advantage in the AFC with a perfect 8-0 home record."

AFC North: Bengals

1. Cincinnati Bengals - Cincy has a threesome worthy of Indy's with QB Carson Palmer, WR Chad Johnson and RB Rudi Johnson and potentially as good as Dallas' in the early 90s. If their defense is average, it will be enough to bring the Bengals a 12 win season. First, they'll need to exorcise some demons by beating their division rivals consistently.

2. Baltimore Ravens - They're going to give up on QB Kyle Boller for the time being after they lose to either Cleveland or Chicago in weeks five and six. CB Deion Sanders will make one amazingly lame tackle attempt that will cost them a game. Coach Brian Billick is going to be on the hot seat if backup QB Anthony Wright can't right this ship. With LB Ray Lewis on defense this time will lose some winnable games because of its anemic offense.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers - QB Ben Roethlisberger will not take a step back, the rest of the league will catch up with him. The norm will be the quizzical look he had when the Jets roughed him up in the playoffs and the Patriots tormented him. Pitt was a perfect storm last year, but the RB's are a year older and the receiving corp could be a sore spot by season's end.

4. Cleveland Browns New coach Romeo Crennel will eventually succeed in Cleveland. After six years, the new Browns are still expansion worthy. Crennel will pour the mold this season before positive results excite the Dawg Pound. In the same vein, QB Trent Dilfer is a good caretaker for this offense until something more palatable comes along. The Browns have some weapons in RB Lee Suggs, WR's Antonio Bryant and rookie Braylon Edwards, it's just that their depth is frighteningly bare.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "QB Jeff Garcia will be a one-year experiment in Cleveland."

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "I don't know if [Steelers] RB Jerome Bettis can still perform to his former level."

AFC East: Jets

1. New York Jets - Despite two losses to the Pats, the Jets will take more advantage of New England's personnel losses than any other team. Pennington's shoulder will not be an issue. Reuniting Lavernues Coles with Pennington will matter less than the accuracy of rookie placekicker, Mike Nugent. Because the Jets play such a gritty type of football; they play a lot of close games. The former Buckeye will be the difference, but the playoffs will be too much for him.

2. New England Patriots (Wildcard) - Every dynasty, sooner or later, shows the beginnings of its decline. That time is now. Brady and the Pats will continue their winning ways, but their linebacker corp is in shambles and the base of its stellar operations, coordinators Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel, are roaming foreign sidelines. The first to vanquish the Pats in the playoffs will be the next AFC represenatives.

3. Miami Dolphins - As forecasted the Dolphins hit rock bottom when their coach quit in the middle of last season. New coach, Nick Saban, is reminiscent of Jimmy Johnson arrival in Dallas over a decade ago. Saban won a national championship, is an expert on defense and has been given total control of a once sparkling franchise. Miami will be a dynasty within four years. Until then, a quarterback is needed because these three guys--Frerotte, Feeley and Rosenfels--are the worst. Rookie RB Ronnie Brown won't fly until the OL is, at least, mediocre.

4. Buffalo Bills - The J.P. Losman experiment is bound to be a wasted number 1 draft pick. Sure, everyone says he's a great athlete, but did Johnny Unitas, Trent Dilfer or Bernie Kosar look like Olympians? Word is, the guy's a jerk and you can't lack for leadership at that position. The defense is not as good as advertised. On the positive side, the emergence of Willis McGahee will continue. He'll challenge for the rushing title.

2004 LFR Genius Prediction: "[Miami] Head coach Dave Wannsteadt will be gone by week 4 or 5"

2004 LFR Dumb Prediction: "[New England] RB Corey Dillon will turn out to be a dubious addition to a team that values cohesion."

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Coliseum Quote Of The Day

Said by a man speaking to his three little children in the men's restroom behind section 225 at McAfee Coliseum.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Yeah, Baby!

Yeah, Baby!
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
LFR Goes Live To The Delivery Room

My cousin Erica has a midnight appointment to have her baby's birth induced.

The idea of choosing the time and date of a baby's arrival seems a bit odd. A lot like the anxiety of knowing a hurricane is poised to land as opposed the sudden jolt of an earthquake in normal deliveries.

Check in as I grab my catcher's mitt and await catching the kid sliding out of Coochville.

The LFR will be live from the delivery room with audio postings on AudioBlogger with LFR Medical Expert, Anna Weetah.

Also, checkout Crazy Mean Baby

Benson Boogies To San Antonio

Saints' owner Tom Benson
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
How despicable can someone be?

New Orleans Saints owner, Tom Benson, he of the infamous "Benson Boogie, is sending indications of relocating the perpetually beleaguered franchise to San Antonio indefinitely.

Is this not the time for this decimated community to pull together and wouldn't the arrival of a new football season and their beloved Saints help in some way?

Benson, who mugged for cameras during the Saints "good" years in the early 90's by dancing on the sideline with a parasol in hand, has had issue with the state over building the team a new stadium. State authorities have openly questioned this expenditure versus renovated the existing Superdome, which has merit since the NFL thought enough of the site to host the Super Bowl four years ago.

In one of the lowdown and dirty bits of profiteering the City Council of San Antonio is openly offering the Saints an incentive package that would, among other things, guarantee sellout for all possible home games at the Alamodome.

PSL holders and politicians in Oakland know that the guarantee of gate receipts is a dicey proposition, nonetheless San Antionio sounds cocky.

“We believe that easily can be done,” San Antonio City Councilman Chip Haass said.

This sort of jockeying for professional sports franchise is typical. Portland and Las Vegas have sought the Oakland Athletics and Los Angeles has openly courted the Indianapolis Colts, Minnesota Vikings and also the Saints.

The difference is none of these communities was in the midst of total destruction.

Some officials are beginning to imagine death tolls near ten thousand, while other FEMA officials have described the city as "totally destroyed".

Benson, who also has ties in San Antonio and runs numerous Chevrolet dealerships should be reprimanded by the NFL for turning his back on the city and publicly excoriate San Antonio for preying on the homeless franchise.

On the other hand, maybe its good business. Maybe New Orleans is gone for good. Is it wise to rebuild a coastal city seven feet below sea level?

Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert said, "I don't know. That doesn't make sense to me."

Thursday, September 01, 2005

'Don't Buy Gas If You Don't Need It' Huh?

George W. Out Of Touch Just Like Daddy

George H.W. Bush famously failed know the cost of a gallon of milk during his presidency illustrating how dismally out of touch he was with the American people.

Now George W. Bush, with his affinity for the common man's boots and shrub clearing is plainly showing his true upper-crust Connecticut roots.

Speaking along side former presidents Clinton and Bush, also known as the dynamic duo who saved Indonesian tsunami victims earlier this year. the current Bush calmed the fears of New Orleanians by using most of the time sounding like the CEO of an oil company rather than Commander in Chief.

Instead of assuring that food and clean water would be shortly delivered, Bush alleviated the concerns of ever gas-guzzling SUV owner in America numerously referring to gasoline as "product".

"The good folks must understand that major refineries have been shut down, which means it's going to be hard to get gasoline to some markets," the president said. "Americans should be prudent in their use of energy in the next few days. Don't buy gas if you don't need it."

Don't buy gas if you don't need it!

Has this guy been to the pump lately? At over $3 a gallon I barely spend more than $15 at a time. My gas tank was so low the other day that I put $10 in just get the gauge a sliver over empty.

As women are reportedly raped in the Superdome, a sniper aims to pick off innocent bystanders and with the entire city on the verge of armeggedon Bush wants you to ration gas that you have little extra money for anyway.