Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I'm Afraid of Monsters

I would say that I had a pretty well-adjusted childhood. Although, my Dad will tell you that I once cried at a wedding reception when I was 8 because they ran out of chicken wings and I was afraid to ask a Burger King employer for packets of ketchup because I was too shy, aside from that I was normal. I never wet my bed or was afraid of the dark, but I am now!

This evening, I went to grocery store at stopped at the local Boston Market on Fruitvale for a meatloaf sandwich, creamed spinach and corn (I wanted mashed potatoes and gravy but I'll get to that later).

Once inside, I encountered the two biggest mothersuckers I've ever witnesssed. I would later learn that these were two Oakland Raiders ordering dinner...a large dinner and lucky me to be waiting behind these two behemoths.

First off, between them they must have taken 10 minutes to order. Between ordering, asking questions about the food, poking and tasting and paying; a line of about seven people formed.

The two players are little-used rookie and second-year defensive lineman, Tommy Kelly and Terdell Sands.

As far as I could gather, using my investigative reporting skills, between the two they ordered 4 1/2 chickens, 2 large salads with a chipotle dressing ("Is that dressing fat-free? Yes, it is. Ok.) and what looked like gallon bucket of mashed potatoes with a large cup of brown gravy and a smaller container of stuffing. They didn't order anything to drink so I'm assuming they stopped at the Port of Oakland and suckled the nozzle of two super tankers filled with Diet Pepsi (Pepsi is the official cola of the NFL).

As they left the restaurant and I ordered there was little damage to me except for the likely cold-sweats and shrilly-shriek of terror at bedtime, but they did run off with all the mashed potatoes. First, Doug Gabriel stomps on my ceiling like an wild elephant in heat and 308 Jackson Street, Apt. 206 is his savannah, but now these two Boston Market marauders deprive me of a dallop of soft, silky and potatoey goodness.

These guys were monsters. They must have been 6-5, 320 pounds of pure muscle. When they stood next to each other eyeing the huge rotisserie ovens filled with roasting chickens they reminded me of two hungry, scheming raptors from the movie Jurassic Park. I believe if nobody was there one of them would have charged the oven, broken the glass and helped themselves to the chickens carcasses inside.

As they exited Boston Market they began to act very odd. There were six Oakland policemen having dinner in the dining room as the two Raider Pollo-Pillagers reached the door. One started roaring like a mashed potato Mothra and the other a Green bean Godzilla. Well, the cops were terrified. They leapt to their feet and barricaded themselves behind the soda machine. Kelly and Sands both continued to their automobile crushing small Japanese sedans along the way. Was this really happening? How long until they were swatting at Goodyear blimps?

Anyways, as I observed these Raidahs and their gastronomical greatness I kept thinking about all the objects these guys could crush. I'm sure Tommy Kelly could smash skull with his two hands, turn it to powder and use it to make pans of Jello gelatin.

I'm sure Terdell Sands could sit on a big screen TV and turn it into a very expensive, but useless accordian. Seriously imagine how violent a hit that these guys could put on an opposing player. It definitely gives you an insight into how brutal the game of football can be.

It also gives you an insight into how much toilet paper an average NFL player must use to stay fresh.

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