Friday, September 30, 2005

Guru Analyzes FFL As al-Qaeda Spokesman

Team Wonderbread Does Wild Thing To Funky Cold Medinas

Mr. Yosemite from jaytray.blogspot.com and owner of the 49er Whiners joins the LFR as our first ever correspondent. He continues to fuel conspiracy theorist who believe he's helping Team Wonderbread win the title by waiving so many good players who happen to show up on my roster.

By JayTray
LFR Fantasy Football Correspondent

North Beach Meatballs – Kept their winless streak alive by losing their third straight game. This was a close one… 96-92. Your downfall was keeping Daunte Culpepper on the bench, he scored 46 points compared to your starting QB Trent Dilfer who posted only 26. The guru is saddened, he predicted a breakout week for Culpepper but you benched him. Guru is willing to forgive you since you took his advice and picked up a better defense in week 2, the Colts paid dividends with another 10 points this weekend.

Bruisin’ Contusions – You broke into the WIN column! Not only did you notch your first victory, you almost had triple digits. However, the guru is mildly disappointed, he’s told you repeatedly to start Joey Galloway, BUT, like your Meatball sister, you ignored the guru’s advice and benched him. Galloway put up 14 points which is more than all three of your starting receivers combined. You could’ve had triple digits! Again, like your Meatball sister, guru is willing to forgive and forget. You made the call to start Bledsoe (per the guru’s advice) and he gave you 47 points.

Columbia Clowns – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Previously one of the few unbeaten teams in the league, you lost to the previously winless Contusions. The guru feels very sorry for you, Peyton Manning posted only 21 points and your running backs only combined for six. Guru is confused, he hopes that you find comfort in prayer. On a different note… is that a bird? A plane? No – it’s your undefeated season out the window…wave bye bye.

Funky Cold Medinas – You completed the circle…West Coast (Whiners & Contusions) beat East Coast (Clowns & Medinas). Hats off for picking up the Dallas Defense – they gave you a solid eight points which is more than the guru got. Your receivers only combined for 6 points and your QB underachieved. The guru isn’t one to question anyone’s manhood…but the Whiners outscored you with just two players – Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson combined for 80 points while your entire team only scored 78. Go to your wife, hold her, and pray with her.

CrimDog – You switch sides more often than Anne Heche. First you win, then you lose, now you win! Make up your mind! Show some consistency! Actually, I take that back, your team had the most consistent scoring at all levels with one exception--Shaun Alexander. He scored more times than Kobe on a road trip. With Culpepper on the bench, this gave you the edge you needed.

Team Wonderbread – As the Honkeys said, “Wonderbread? More like cornbread.” The Honkeys put it to you this week and the guru is quite certain you liked it. As the guru predicted, your receivers couldn’t maintain their production, they combined for only 16 points but the bad news is that even when your receivers have a bad day, you still outscore most of us at WR. Your bid for an undefeated season is officially over.

49 Whiners – You are the self proclaimed guru. You are a genius in your own mind. You need to stop referring to yourself as the guru and…..oh who are we kidding – you’re a damn genius! Another triple-digit game? 118 points. The only reason you didn’t win Team of the Week is because you got all the glory last week – we need to spread the wealth. Your three best players combined for 102 points! You have the highest scoring team in the league and it appears the only thing that can stop you is kryptonite. Have I told you how much I love you….you big lug!

Team of the Week
Racism is alive and well…Viva La Honkeys! Holy moly, the Honky receivers combined for 54 points! That’s the type of score that we expect from Wonderbread’s duo of Owens and Moss. Each of your receivers had double-digits. This made up for having the lowest scoring QB of the week (Aaron Brooks – 18 points). You tied with the Whiners for the highest score of the week at 118 and you’re the only undefeated team in the league. You’re also the luckiest rooster on the planet – McNabb and Brian Westbrook have a bye when you play the Whiners in week six. The guru has a new enemy and its initials are SWH (pronounced “KKK”).

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