Saturday, September 24, 2005

The Trash Talkin' Begins; But It's Just Fantasy

Team Wonderbread Tries To Smack Around Caucasian Squad

Mr. Yosemite from and owner of the 49er Whiners joins the LFR as our first ever correspondent. To show his journalistic integrity he has chosen to honor his own club as the team of the week. In addition, he continues to report on his girlfriend's team with kid gloves as Team Wonderbread unmercifully crushed her last week, 107-81.

By JayTray
LFR Fantasy Football Correspondent

North Beach Meatballs – Bold move, went out and picked up the Indianapolis Defense and it paid off, the Colts' defense put up 13 points. If Indy’s D is for real, this might be the best special teams pickup of the year. Culpepper had five interceptions on Sunday, 8 total in the first 2 weeks…might be time to trade up. I know someone that would trade you Michael Vick for a brand name receiver…from Cincinnati.

Crim Dog – Previously the Team of the Week…was put down like Old Yeller. The Whiners didn’t walk the dog – they dragged him! Congrats on being the first team to start a player that ended up with negative points – Jamal Lewis might be the let down of the week. Collins posted 30 points and Alexander 11…I like your strategy of leaving your highest scoring players on the bench – GENIUS! The Whiners almost doubled your score, you might want to consider joining a FLAG Fantasy Football League – it might be more your speed.

Team Wonderbread – This team put up another win against the winless Bruisin’ Contusions and continued the bid for an undefeated season. Great smack talk in which you stated that “The Bruisin’ Contusions are redundant.” Next week will be our first racially charged matchup – The Super White Honkey's against the Portuguese-owned Team Wonderbread. If nothing else, this could be the Smack Talk game of the week.

Columbia Clowns – Tiki Barber pulled your fat from the fire on Monday night. If Manning would’ve put up some normal numbers, this wouldn’t have been close at all. You’re 2-0 and you have the Bruisin’ Contusion in week 3, this will probably end up like the Rams vs 49ers…don’t be surprised if the Contusions smack you around like Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant.

Funky Cold Medinas – Your three receivers only scored six points total, Owens (Team Wonderbread) had 19 pts by himself. You obviously have too many white players. You’re 0-2 and you’re playing the Whiners next week, it’s possible that things will get worse before they get better. Suggest you send your prize money to the commissioner before you get completely discouraged and quit.

Bruisin’ Contusions – Green Bay secured their bid for a winless season and so did you. Despite the loss, Brett Favre put up 52 points--that’s the surprise of the week. Don’t give up despite the loss, your team scored enough points to beat over half of the teams in our league, you’ve simply been unlucky with your matchups.

Super White Honkey's – Another team that started the wrong players. You had a QB, RB, and WR that combined for 59 points, unfortunately they were all on the bench. Lucky for you, your Kicker and Special Teams/Defense carried you as predicted. Congrats on being one of 3 undefeated teams.

Team of the Week

49er Whiners put up triple digits and notched their first win. Highest score of this short season--120 points. Next week, look for the Eagles to ride the Raiders like Kobe on a white chick. McNabb and Westbrook have the potential to put you in the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, your receivers still suck like a $10 whore. Look to trade Michael Vick for a receiver that can put up consistent points.

The 49er Whiners would also like to get the ball rolling on whining…they are wondering why McNabb only earned 5 more points than Favre. McNabb had the same number of yards, 2 more touchdowns, and one less turnover. The Whiners are wondering if Michael Strahan is on the scoring committee and maybe that’s why Favre is getting extra points.