Monday, June 20, 2005

LFR Exclusive Interview: Saddam Hussein

All Tyrants are Yankee fans
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.
Dictator Loves Doritos

Deposed dictator, Saddam Hussein, loves Doritos and Raisin Bran, among other things according to two guards appearing on the "Today" show.

The LFR caught up with the "Butcher of Baghdad" today to discuss these revelations and other topics on his mind:

SH: Come on in, my friend. Sit. Sit. Let me clear some of my Maxim magazines. Really funny, you know. Who cares about the pretty girls? I buy them for the funny stories. Good camel dung!

LFR: I suppose, by now, you've heard that your former guards, Jonathan Reese and Sean O'Shea has been detailing your life in jail to the press.

SH: Ah, yes, Johnny and Irish Sean. Good kids. We had some good times together. Yeah. Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep. Good times.

LFR: Is it true?

SH: Of course not, I did not have weapons of mass destruction. Never. It was a lie perpetrated by the Bush family! I am still the legal president of Iraq.

LFR: No, no, no. Wait. Could you really devour a large bag of Doritos in 10 minutes?

SH: Oh! Of course, my friend, I love those chips, especially the nacho cheese flavor. The bag says they changed the flavor, but I don't taste such a difference.

LFR: I agree.

SH: As far as chips, as you know, I also had an affinity for Cheetos.

LFR: I'm wondering, which kind of cheetos did you enjoy?

SH: Oh, of course, the puffs. I just love the texture of the puffs.

LFR: Me too!

SH: You see, you've got good taste, my friend.

LFR: What about snack cakes?

SH: Oh, I adore them! Twinkies, Ho-Ho's and Hostess Cupcakes. They are truly to die for Allah!

LFR: Amazing! Me too! Listen, how do you eat your Hostess cupcakes?

SH: I split them in half and burrow my tongue in the delicious cream inside. Of course, is there another way, c'mon!

LFR: I heard you're a little picky with your morning cereal?

SH: Yes, I can't stand Froot Loops! I mean, I'm an adult. I don't want to eat candy for breakfast.

LFR: Exactly. The guards said you preferred Raisin Bran instead. Do you have any favorite brands?

SH: Oh, yes. Post Raisin Bran all the way, my friend. It's hard to describe, but the raisins are just so much more plump and plentiful in the Post brand.

LFR: Fascinating. Mini-Tacos? Any thoughts?

SH: Okay! Cut the crap, my friend! Have you ever spent time in the pokey? They call it the pokey for a reason as in what will happen to you if you don't make friends.

LFR: I'm not following.

SH: I'm 68 years old for Allah's sake. Do you really think I enjoy eating this junk food? I'm just trying to, like the kids say, hang. Do you know how a large bag of Doritos goes through a 68-year-old dictator? It's like pooping jagged shards of glass everyday!. You know, you're leaving a lot out, my friend. These kids aren't even talking about all other salty snacks like beef jerky we eat around here and, let me tell you, kids these days, they don't just drink regular beer. No. They drink Guinness. Have a couple of those. It's like sweet crude oil gushing out your ass. I could sell the stuff to the Saudis--easy.

LFR: Well, I'm truly sorry.

SH: No you're not. You Americans are never sorry. If you were, you'd bring me a few packets of Metamucil. No joke, bro.


pryncess711 said...

what a coincidence.. the president of Iraq and Steven M. Tavares of the USA eats hostess cupcakes the same way!!!

MrYosemite said... something I didn't need to know. Thinking of Steve burying his tongue in the delicious sounds...well...joto.

However, good stuff nonetheless.

Any chance we can get SH to sing us a song? Maybe MJ's song "Beat It"?

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