Bonds Must Have Replaced 'Juice' With Beer

Bonds Ducks Criticism
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.

Some of the questions revolving around Barry Bonds were answered tonight in his grand return to the Majors.

He, indeed, looked a tad smaller in the upper body but his belt buckle was not to be seen. Bonds looked fat. Is that withdrawals from steroids or huge deposits of double cheeseburgers?

The Giants fans predictably cheered him wildly while the rest of the country seethed and, just in case some knucklehead wanted to bust his balls, Bonds ran onto the field with a young cancer patient. How disgusting.

In leftfield, Bonds looked a little clunky, but honestly, no different than the well-below average defense he was performing before the injuries.

Sure, Bonds battled the Padres' Adam Eaton for 11 pitches and blasted a shot to left-center that fell a foot short of a homerun, but he also followed with two lame shots to centerfield and then easily surrendered to reliever Rudy Seanez's 3-2 slider in the eighth.

Here are three thoughts from his performance:

1) With two bad knees the last thing you need is flat tire around your waist.

2) He didn't make contact with anything other than a changeup. Opposing pitchers will quickly catch wind of that fact.

3) You know what they always say about the benefits of steroids? They're the difference between a shot into the fifth row and flyball to the warning track. Bonds' stats from tonight: 3 flyballs to the warning track.